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Sunday, August 20th, 2006

Time:12:33 am.
Mood: worried.
My mind is restless. Sometimes if I write it down, my mind will become calm.

I've been worrying a lot about my family. I care a lot about my dad and my sister. I just can't help but feel unwelcomed, even though they want me to visit. I just have a feeling that my dad does not accept me for who I am and seems to of forgotten or sepress the fact that I am gay and I'm living with people I really love. Every time I talk to him he thinks I'm up here alone and that I should just move back down to the Springs like I have no attachments.

I still remember the conversation I had with him when I came out very clearly. How he never wanted anyone else in my family (besides my sister) to know anything about it and how he never wanted to meet "my guy". Ever since then I don't feel like he accepts it and every time I'm around them or in his house I feel the same constrictions I had to live with when he didn't know anything. I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable hiding things.

I got an email from my grandma in Virginia (the nice one) saying she misses me. I found it kind of strange the way she wrote it. Guilt tripping me. I can tell she has been talking to my dad. I mean in the past I talked to them (my grandparents) maybe once a week, see them once a year (even though neither my dad nor my sister have been back to Virginia. When I talked to them on the phone, I never really said anything. Things like: yeah, mhmm, good. You know stuff any recording could cover.

I don't want to live in Colorado for my whole life. I want to live far enough away where going to visit often isn't an option. Why can't they come up here? Why can't I introduce them to the people I've been spending my life with, the people I love?

I miss my wolf, whenever he's around I feel good, my mind doesn't worry as much, and I feel like everything is going to be alright. Only one more day.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Subject:Still alive...
Time:7:23 am.
Mood: restless.
this journal on the other paw is struggling to survive. I'm going to try to update more often, just seems hard to when nothing interesting is going on in my life.

I'm having to drive kohath to work at 5:20 in the morning. He likes to wake up at 4. Now I don't mind this at all, it's just the alarm clock is right next to me and I have a tendancy to turn it off while asleep. It's a bad habit I picked up from having to wak up early for High School. The past couple days apparently I have turned it off, yet everytime I wake up I cannot recall that I did. I used to have to set the alarm across the room to get me up, but my body adjusted and I could walk half-asleep and turn it off, then resume sleeping.

I couldn't get back to sleep (tho I probably will later on today), too dry. I need to drink more water.
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

Time:12:27 am.
Mood: discontent.
Alive. That's all that can be said about me. Days seem to be going by very quickly, strange how that is when I don't really do anything productive. I feel like a bum and I'm falled in to some bad habits. I need to get my life back on track. That's why I haven't written in here for months, I'm not proud of the way I am living. I suck. I need to buckle down and focus on my studies starting this summer, I need to get thru college and get a good job. Just sometimes it looks so difficult, so far away, so... unattainable.

I've started to limit my time on FFXI, even taking some days off, which I think is good.We are in a new apartment now and I finally got my laptop back in its docking station at my desk. So many things I need to do, it can be overwhelming and keeps me awake at night.
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Friday, December 3rd, 2004

Subject:Amazing news
Time:12:28 am.
Mood: ecstatic.
Tonight I asked stephwolf, a wolf I have strong feelings for and Muke really likes him also, to be our mate. So we are now a trio and I am so incredible happy. I'm still in kind of a dreamy state, hard to believe it really happened. Yet it did, and it feels so incredibly. I only wish he were here with us now.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

Subject:Time for the weekly entry...
Time:12:23 am.
Mood: anxious.
or so it seems to be a routine I've gotten in. There have been many things coming up in my mind of the past few days. So maybe putting some down here will cease the endless cycle going on.

randomness probably only I would understandCollapse )

So, hmm, that's rambling done with. We, Muke, Shade, and I went to go see National Treasure yesterday. I had fun, I thought it was a fun movie and I was entertained, even tho we had to sit in the second row. That's one thing that I really get upset about, but you know, I shouldn't except my back was sore. We tried to get a certain wolf to go along, but lately he seems to be very down and shut us out. I know Muke worries a lot, I worry too. I don't exactly know what to do tho, maybe he just needs some space.

Time is racing toward Thanksgiving, a time I'm dreading, but I doubt it'll be as bad as I'm expecting. doom. :p
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Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

Time:1:15 pm.
Mood: worried.
The past few days have been very long and tiring. It hurts so much to see muke feeling the way he does, and it's sending me on kinda of a roller coaster of feelings. Like right now for instance I'm feeling pretty good...but as soon as I go to pick him up and see his face of misery, I'm almost absolutely certain that I won't feel as good. It's just so great when he does smile...to see him that way.... I feel like it's all my fault and there's nothing I can do. I can only imagine that the way I'm feeling now was the way he was feeling when I would get depressed almost every day.

All I can do is wait and hope that we can work thru this.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, October 17th, 2004

Time:11:40 pm.
It's this time of the semester, the last day to W drop. I've had to really think this over, are the classes I'm in now going to help me or not. Failing or getting a D would be very hurtful. Right now I think I can get at least a B in two of the three, but Differential Equations has been kicking my tail for the past few weeks. The homeworks have been low scores or none at all since I can't even start them. We have a test on Friday which I don't feel there's anyway I can pass. The course isn't required for a cs degree and would end up serving no point except to keep me a full time student. If I drop it then I won't be a full time student and I don't know if my dad's insurance will still cover me for the rest of the year.

Life is tough, it's hard to see the one I love be in such financial trouble. Working at BK is gonna take a while. I'm always worrying about what the student loans people are going to do. They're not going to nothing forever. Just a matter of time until we hafta run for the border, or go into hiding or something :p

On Friday I got a pic of me done by Shades, a cheetah who lives here in the fort, wootah the second one ever, (by a different artist I mean). It's cool, I like it a lot, Muke did some cleaning up, getting rid of lines somewhat. It's just a sketch but it made me very happy to get it.

I used to like writing in here a lot more, now it's more choresome. Things change, maybe I'll get more into this in the future who knows. Muke was feeling down or bad tonight, he wrote "ale li ike", everything is bad or something. I worry. It's time for bed, I need to be near him to maybe take some worryness away.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, September 29th, 2004

Time:8:14 pm.
Mood:dark.
I was a bad lion today, stayed home from two of my three classes to watch the braves. It was a good game and a milestone one for Cox, getting 2000 wins. I think Muke was kinda upset with me for doing it. It wouldn't be so bad, if they weren't so borring, but that's what I get for mistakes in the past semester. Next week playoffs, it'll be fun, I spose.

I think my Red Octane pad has been past it's prime, with the PS2 it doesn't appear to be working well at all. I had read the boards on DDRfreak that it could be the whole deal with the corner arrow always on. Who knows, nothing I can do with a soft pad anyway, at least it still works fairly well with XBOX.

Today has been a very dark day, a hopeless day if you will, a day in which it doesn't look like things will get better, one which I just wish would end.
So with that I leave with what I seem to hear a lot: Life is Pain

....

Dammit, give me the pills...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 26th, 2004

Subject:Someday there will be sunshine...I hope
Time:10:48 am.
Mood:uneasy.
Maybe it's easier to start typing by talking about the good things first...

Yesterday, Muke and I went to go see The Forgotten. It was a pretty good movie. For like the first time in I don't know how long I actually jumped in my seat. I mean sure it had some drawbacks for sure, like some bad writting at times, dragging and such. Other than that it was a very emotional day. From a new experience to start a day to second guessing doing that, which was not supposed to happen. Enough of that... That night was feeling really down, the pain was so much and every little thing bothered me and helped to make it worse. Unfortunately it was put upon my mate. He is absolutely amazing to be able put up with all my shit, I want to get better. The therapist wants to put me on drugs, she thinks that will help me to get better. I'm scared to go on anything...

School is going okay, got B's on my first two tests which is normal for me, especially when I don't study...enough. I actually got my programs to work right which is new for me and the reason I'm retaking a class.

Today I must go get a hair cut, prolly one of the hardest things for me to do. Usually I would just go and ask her to buzz cut it, but Muke doesn't want that so it must be "trimmed" eeegah. Such is life. A lot more has happened in the last month, some good things like meets at our place and such, but that's enough for now.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, August 24th, 2004

Subject:OMG an actual journal entry? maybe...
Time:11:03 pm.
Mood:tired.
School started this week, as it did for a lot of people. I'm only taking three classes, 12 credit hours, but really it's all I take for now. Once I finish the class I'm retaking I should be able to move one, that is if I do better this time, I did pass with a C before, but I don't feel like I'm prepared enough to go on to harder classes. *sigh* Chemistry and Diff Eq seem to be okay atm, but you never know what's gonna happen in the future. The most interesting thing I've seen so far is a policeman on a bike, pulling bike riders over who were riding the dismount zone. I'd never seen it before, then again I never pay too much attention to my surroundings when walking to class. I hate having to go the University Services Center for recitation, it's so freakin far away off campus. I only have ten minutes to go from the chemistry building to there, I think I'll be late everyday. Oh well. First week always sucks, for me.

I miss playing golf, I haven't gotten to play at all this summer. Usually during the summer I'd play almost everyday (of course back then my dad would pay for it), trying to fool myself that if I practiced enough I'd get better. I miss getting up early, standing on the first tee box, getting outside, making the put that happens to go in every once in a million tries. The feeling of "letting the big dog eat" (quote from Tin Cup). I fear that I might have lost all that I worked for over the past ten years, with one summer of no play.

I should really get a part time job...of course finding one for Muke is more important. I so want to find him one, but we haven't had any luck. I worry...

Last Friday we saw The Bourne Supremacy, I liked it, thought it was a pretty good movie. I don't know if Muke did, I mean it did have a car chase scene, he doesn't like those. Oh well.

*goes back in time*

On Wednesday, I had lunch with the fam who were up Greeley, bring some of my sister's stuff back to her apartment. Things actually went smoothely I guess. We didn't talk much about me being gay. My dad wanted to know a little bit about him. And I told him honestly about him and that he was living with me. He really just said he was worried about me being careful and of me getting hurt. Overall, I guess he is taking it fairly well.

That's all for this installment, time for bed, getting up before 10 sucks :p
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, August 15th, 2004

Time:11:10 pm.
Mood: okay.
Not much has happened since I told my dad, he hasn't talked to me since then. So I wait...

Yesterday I beat The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. I enjoyed playing it. It was fun, tho I didn't do everything there was to do in the game, like find all the treasure charts and the associated chests, or explore all the islands. Today, my back was feeling a little bit better (I think I threw it out or something trying to move mason) so I managed to play some ddr for the first time in like three days. And I did something I never did before, clear a ten step. Afterwards I felt kinda woozy and a little dizzy. Maybe I shouldn't of pushed myself so hard after several days of low activity.

I've been contemplating trying out Secondlife. Muke showed it to me the other day and I have a fair amount of interest. Tho I've never really liked MMORPG types before...although I can't say I ever played one, I guess I should try it before judging whether or not I'd like it.

Last night we rented Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2. I hadn't seen the second one yet. They were both pretty good, I just wanted to see the second to see how it ended, did she kill him? :p Muke hadn't seen either so we watched them both.

That's all, I go read then bed.
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Friday, August 13th, 2004

Subject:totally out of the closet now....
Time:10:05 pm.
Mood:scared.
I just told my dad that I was gay. I don't know how he is taking it, sinced we only talked thru IM, at least he didn't disown me on the spot. He kinda dragged it out of me, I guess I should prepare myself for anything that might happen now. I'm scared of what that might be...
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

Time:11:45 pm.
Mood:peaceful.
Finished Out of the Silent Planet by C. S. Lewis today. It was an interesting book, though to me it felt a little anit-climatic or something. I prolly go on to read the final two of the series, I have enough interest in it to do that, I think. I really should read more like Muke tells me. Its just that when I feel down it's hard to focus on reading, maybe it'd actually help me feel better, wouldn't let my mind dwell on stuff. Who knows.

I've been feeling pretty good the last few days. Playing lots of ddr, some Metroid Prime and The Wind Waker, a couple games I got a while ago but never put any playing time in. I'm kinda ready for the semester to start, 2 and a half weeks. Other than that not much happens here. Life has been fairly uneventful.

Bed time.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, August 1st, 2004

Time:9:45 pm.
Mood:down.
So, the other day my dad calls me up and says he has news that I won't like. I got summoned for jury duty on August 24, right during the first week of classes. My dad told me I need to call them up and see if I can get exempt or have it postponed. He said it'd be likely that I'd be able to. I really don't want to go down to the springs, especially during the first week, not like much happens anyway.

Yesterday the custom framing of the art I got at AC was completed. It looks really nice. I don't hafta be paranoid about it anymore, like I was on the way back from philly. As I look back on the events that happened I realize I way over reacted, after all there are more important things in life.

That's all, time passes.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, July 21st, 2004

Subject:Yay for new ddr pad
Time:9:31 pm.
Mood: tired.
Today, the new pad I ordered last week came and it is real nice. I also got max2 since they offered it for like $25 when you get it with the pad. So, Muke and I have been playing all day. I can already feel my ankle flaring up.  Oh yeah, also the downstairs neighbor has moved out, joy, but we should still be considerate to side neighbors and such... I dunno how loud it is to them...

We had to take back the books to the library, a day late, oh no not 35 cents :p. I wasn' t feeling like being there for to long so I didn't let muke look around like he wanted to... I'll take him back some other day soon.

I decided not to do a con report, I really don't want to type a lot. I lack stictuitiveness.

Tomorrow's job hunting day I guess. We'll see how that goes, it sucks that we are both really bad at it.
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Saturday, July 17th, 2004

Subject:ok, so maybe that last post was a little hasty
Time:5:40 pm.
Mood:hopeful.
it's not as bad as it seemed, he just wanted to make sure that I was committed to my education, which I am. Also, my sister is looking at one-bedroom places in greeley, so I'm off the hook of having to live with her. Maybe now things will calm down a little...
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:and things with the fam gets worse and worse
Time:4:28 pm.
Mood:pissed off/ scared.
Apparently, just before I left for AC my dad sent me this ultimadum email. Saying if I don't do things exactly his way, I'm gonna be cut off, which basically means that I'd be responsible for insurance, car and health, and gas. I hafta pull a 3.5 gpa, live with my sister, and take a summer class, which I think is too late for that. Life sucks. There is no fucking way I'm gonna live with my sister. It's like he's making a last attempt at controlling my life. I'm not gonna let him do that. I don't care if I get cut off, I'm gonna fucking tell him everything, what's the worst that's gonna happen, I get cut off wait a minute that's gonna happen anyway. I don't care anymore, I'm prepared to leave, run away from him. He's not gonna tell me how to fucking spend my money that my mother left for me, he has no right. I don't hafta answer to him, I'm an adult... I just don't care anymore. This is the last straw, I don't think my life will ever be the same again after the next couple of days.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, July 15th, 2004

Time:12:27 am.
got around to changing my LJ username, cost a little but oh well, now ariklion
that's all, ac report sometime soon...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

Time:12:12 pm.
Mood:nervous/excited.
Off to AC :)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004

Time:11:28 pm.
Mood:fan blowing on me.
Time Passes as Muke'd say...

Anyway, my life is really having its ups and downs. Almost on a daily basis.

I went home on Sunday to be with the fam on Father's Day. He wanted to go see a movie, he likes to see almost every movie. Anyway, my sister and I took him to see Dodge Ball, it was okay, I laughed, but really it's like stupid humor or something and I can only take so much of that. Afterwards my sis made breakfast for dinner. I feel kinda bad cause I ate meat, bacon, for the first time in over a month and a half. It bother my stomache some.

Yesterday we went to the library where he returned and checked out some more books. Then to Walmart and finally got a fan for the loft here. It feels so nice, not having to sit in heat while on the compy.

Things have really gotten to a routine here. I guess that can be good or bad, depends. I've gotten to the point, actually a while ago, where I just can't really stand to watch sitcoms anymore. Namely, Seinfeld. That show is on so freakin much, I remember a time last year where I thought I could never get tired of it, but now here I am. I guess it's best maybe, I don't spend so much time watching TV. Only Simpsons and Whose Line is it Anyway? are shows I can still stand.

While I was back in the Springs, I picked up my golf clubs and The Legend of Dragoon, which I never got around to beating, so I started playing it again. I'm hopeful to get out on the course sometime soon, or at least the driving range. I'm really missing being out there. I've yet to play any up here in Fort Collins.

When I hit the low moments, I often find myself thinking of coming out to my dad, but then once I start to feel better, I think it's not a good idea...especially while Muke has no job, or me either for that fact.

That's all for this installment, life sucks.
Comments: Add Your Own.

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