My mind is restless. Sometimes if I write it down, my mind will become calm.
I've been worrying a lot about my family. I care a lot about my dad and my sister. I just can't help but feel unwelcomed, even though they want me to visit. I just have a feeling that my dad does not accept me for who I am and seems to of forgotten or sepress the fact that I am gay and I'm living with people I really love. Every time I talk to him he thinks I'm up here alone and that I should just move back down to the Springs like I have no attachments.
I still remember the conversation I had with him when I came out very clearly. How he never wanted anyone else in my family (besides my sister) to know anything about it and how he never wanted to meet "my guy". Ever since then I don't feel like he accepts it and every time I'm around them or in his house I feel the same constrictions I had to live with when he didn't know anything. I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable hiding things.
I got an email from my grandma in Virginia (the nice one) saying she misses me. I found it kind of strange the way she wrote it. Guilt tripping me. I can tell she has been talking to my dad. I mean in the past I talked to them (my grandparents) maybe once a week, see them once a year (even though neither my dad nor my sister have been back to Virginia. When I talked to them on the phone, I never really said anything. Things like: yeah, mhmm, good. You know stuff any recording could cover.
I don't want to live in Colorado for my whole life. I want to live far enough away where going to visit often isn't an option. Why can't they come up here? Why can't I introduce them to the people I've been spending my life with, the people I love?
I miss my wolf, whenever he's around I feel good, my mind doesn't worry as much, and I feel like everything is going to be alright. Only one more day.
Alive. That's all that can be said about me. Days seem to be going by very quickly, strange how that is when I don't really do anything productive. I feel like a bum and I'm falled in to some bad habits. I need to get my life back on track. That's why I haven't written in here for months, I'm not proud of the way I am living. I suck. I need to buckle down and focus on my studies starting this summer, I need to get thru college and get a good job. Just sometimes it looks so difficult, so far away, so... unattainable.
I've started to limit my time on FFXI, even taking some days off, which I think is good.We are in a new apartment now and I finally got my laptop back in its docking station at my desk. So many things I need to do, it can be overwhelming and keeps me awake at night.
The past few days have been very long and tiring. It hurts so much to see muke feeling the way he does, and it's sending me on kinda of a roller coaster of feelings. Like right now for instance I'm feeling pretty good...but as soon as I go to pick him up and see his face of misery, I'm almost absolutely certain that I won't feel as good. It's just so great when he does smile...to see him that way.... I feel like it's all my fault and there's nothing I can do. I can only imagine that the way I'm feeling now was the way he was feeling when I would get depressed almost every day.
All I can do is wait and hope that we can work thru this.
It's this time of the semester, the last day to W drop. I've had to really think this over, are the classes I'm in now going to help me or not. Failing or getting a D would be very hurtful. Right now I think I can get at least a B in two of the three, but Differential Equations has been kicking my tail for the past few weeks. The homeworks have been low scores or none at all since I can't even start them. We have a test on Friday which I don't feel there's anyway I can pass. The course isn't required for a cs degree and would end up serving no point except to keep me a full time student. If I drop it then I won't be a full time student and I don't know if my dad's insurance will still cover me for the rest of the year.
Life is tough, it's hard to see the one I love be in such financial trouble. Working at BK is gonna take a while. I'm always worrying about what the student loans people are going to do. They're not going to nothing forever. Just a matter of time until we hafta run for the border, or go into hiding or something :p
On Friday I got a pic of me done by Shades, a cheetah who lives here in the fort, wootah the second one ever, (by a different artist I mean). It's cool, I like it a lot, Muke did some cleaning up, getting rid of lines somewhat. It's just a sketch but it made me very happy to get it.
I used to like writing in here a lot more, now it's more choresome. Things change, maybe I'll get more into this in the future who knows. Muke was feeling down or bad tonight, he wrote "ale li ike", everything is bad or something. I worry. It's time for bed, I need to be near him to maybe take some worryness away.
I was a bad lion today, stayed home from two of my three classes to watch the braves. It was a good game and a milestone one for Cox, getting 2000 wins. I think Muke was kinda upset with me for doing it. It wouldn't be so bad, if they weren't so borring, but that's what I get for mistakes in the past semester. Next week playoffs, it'll be fun, I spose.
I think my Red Octane pad has been past it's prime, with the PS2 it doesn't appear to be working well at all. I had read the boards on DDRfreak that it could be the whole deal with the corner arrow always on. Who knows, nothing I can do with a soft pad anyway, at least it still works fairly well with XBOX.
Today has been a very dark day, a hopeless day if you will, a day in which it doesn't look like things will get better, one which I just wish would end.
So with that I leave with what I seem to hear a lot: Life is Pain
Dammit, give me the pills...
Maybe it's easier to start typing by talking about the good things first...
Yesterday, Muke and I went to go see The Forgotten. It was a pretty good movie. For like the first time in I don't know how long I actually jumped in my seat. I mean sure it had some drawbacks for sure, like some bad writting at times, dragging and such. Other than that it was a very emotional day. From a new experience to start a day to second guessing doing that, which was not supposed to happen. Enough of that... That night was feeling really down, the pain was so much and every little thing bothered me and helped to make it worse. Unfortunately it was put upon my mate. He is absolutely amazing to be able put up with all my shit, I want to get better. The therapist wants to put me on drugs, she thinks that will help me to get better. I'm scared to go on anything...
School is going okay, got B's on my first two tests which is normal for me, especially when I don't study...enough. I actually got my programs to work right which is new for me and the reason I'm retaking a class.
Today I must go get a hair cut, prolly one of the hardest things for me to do. Usually I would just go and ask her to buzz cut it, but Muke doesn't want that so it must be "trimmed" eeegah. Such is life. A lot more has happened in the last month, some good things like meets at our place and such, but that's enough for now.
School started this week, as it did for a lot of people. I'm only taking three classes, 12 credit hours, but really it's all I take for now. Once I finish the class I'm retaking I should be able to move one, that is if I do better this time, I did pass with a C before, but I don't feel like I'm prepared enough to go on to harder classes. *sigh* Chemistry and Diff Eq seem to be okay atm, but you never know what's gonna happen in the future. The most interesting thing I've seen so far is a policeman on a bike, pulling bike riders over who were riding the dismount zone. I'd never seen it before, then again I never pay too much attention to my surroundings when walking to class. I hate having to go the University Services Center for recitation, it's so freakin far away off campus. I only have ten minutes to go from the chemistry building to there, I think I'll be late everyday. Oh well. First week always sucks, for me.
I miss playing golf, I haven't gotten to play at all this summer. Usually during the summer I'd play almost everyday (of course back then my dad would pay for it), trying to fool myself that if I practiced enough I'd get better. I miss getting up early, standing on the first tee box, getting outside, making the put that happens to go in every once in a million tries. The feeling of "letting the big dog eat" (quote from Tin Cup). I fear that I might have lost all that I worked for over the past ten years, with one summer of no play.
I should really get a part time job...of course finding one for Muke is more important. I so want to find him one, but we haven't had any luck. I worry...
Last Friday we saw The Bourne Supremacy, I liked it, thought it was a pretty good movie. I don't know if Muke did, I mean it did have a car chase scene, he doesn't like those. Oh well.
*goes back in time*
On Wednesday, I had lunch with the fam who were up Greeley, bring some of my sister's stuff back to her apartment. Things actually went smoothely I guess. We didn't talk much about me being gay. My dad wanted to know a little bit about him. And I told him honestly about him and that he was living with me. He really just said he was worried about me being careful and of me getting hurt. Overall, I guess he is taking it fairly well.
That's all for this installment, time for bed, getting up before 10 sucks :p