August 20th, 2006

(no subject)

My mind is restless. Sometimes if I write it down, my mind will become calm.

I've been worrying a lot about my family. I care a lot about my dad and my sister. I just can't help but feel unwelcomed, even though they want me to visit. I just have a feeling that my dad does not accept me for who I am and seems to of forgotten or sepress the fact that I am gay and I'm living with people I really love. Every time I talk to him he thinks I'm up here alone and that I should just move back down to the Springs like I have no attachments.

I still remember the conversation I had with him when I came out very clearly. How he never wanted anyone else in my family (besides my sister) to know anything about it and how he never wanted to meet "my guy". Ever since then I don't feel like he accepts it and every time I'm around them or in his house I feel the same constrictions I had to live with when he didn't know anything. I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable hiding things.

I got an email from my grandma in Virginia (the nice one) saying she misses me. I found it kind of strange the way she wrote it. Guilt tripping me. I can tell she has been talking to my dad. I mean in the past I talked to them (my grandparents) maybe once a week, see them once a year (even though neither my dad nor my sister have been back to Virginia. When I talked to them on the phone, I never really said anything. Things like: yeah, mhmm, good. You know stuff any recording could cover.

I don't want to live in Colorado for my whole life. I want to live far enough away where going to visit often isn't an option. Why can't they come up here? Why can't I introduce them to the people I've been spending my life with, the people I love?

I miss my wolf, whenever he's around I feel good, my mind doesn't worry as much, and I feel like everything is going to be alright. Only one more day.
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